by Isa Herrera, MSPT, CSCS
Many times we're our own worst enemies. Have you ever had everything you needed to succeed with a goal whether it be in health, love, and work and all of a sudden for no rational reason you come to a full stop and turn away from this goal? I call this Subconscious Self Sabotage or SSS for short, and it's the primary reason why many of us don't achieve our wildest dreams. SSS starts with self-talk. Many times we talk ourselves out of something before we even try it. Is it fear of failure? Is it a fear of success? What is it that stops us before we even start?
Our most significant barriers to self-love, self-care, successful relationships, financial freedom, and our own overall health is our self-talk. It's the voice in your head that no one can hear but you!! Honestly, the things I have said to myself I wouldn't dare say to my best friend.
What makes me crazy is that everyone out there says “talk nice to yourself,” “watch your thoughts,” “love yourself,” but rarely do you get real actionable tips that work and are easy to do and bring results. So in this health article that I have written primarily for you, you'll discover the top 4 things I have given to thousands of women ( and men) that has them realizing their dreams in a NY minute.
Michelle is one of my SuperstaRR Queens gals. Michelle thought everyone settles in life. At least everyone she knew settled – for a husband that didn't respect them, for friends who weren't there when it really mattered, for a job that sucked their soul instead of making them grateful to be alive. Sure, she saw people on TV and on YouTube making a good life for themselves. She's heard the stories. But that was them – not her or anyone she knew. She was told from a very young age to keep her head down and be glad if anyone speaks to her or gives her job. Aspiring to be more is for the movies. She grew up believing that she will never amount to anything, and she will never be treated with respect or kindness because she didn't deserve it.
That is until she spent a year fighting a disease. When she came out the other end, she decided she wasn't going to live through her second chance at life like this. Even if no one else treated her well, she decided she'll figure out how to treat herself well, so at the very least, the conversation inside her head was loving. She realized it's the only way to start making changes.
But you don't have to wait for a life-threatening situation to start making changes. There are simple steps you can take today to start changing how you speak to yourself, start believing you're a queen, and start creating your dream life.
Practice Makes Perfect
Practice saying something loving to yourself at least once a day for 21 days, which is how long it takes to create a habit. It's important to stay consistent, especially if you're new at this, so if you skip a day, you've got to start from scratch – or at least add another day to your 21 days.
Of course, make sure you don't sabotage yourself.
Michelle kept skipping a day here, five days there, and kept adding the missing days to the end of the challenge, but didn't actually complete 21 consecutive days, so the habit didn't stick.
If you skip three days in a row, I definitely recommend starting your 21-day count from scratch. Not as a punishment, because many of us mess up when we practice something new – so this is not an opportunity to speak negatively to yourself or about yourself. I recommend starting from scratch so that you'll build a stronger foundation for making this habit to be loving toward yourself a regular thing.
When Michelle did that, things started shifting inside her. The practice became a little easier, and she even caught herself for a moment believing one of the loving things she said. She felt like maybe she could actually do this.
But this isn't an easy habit to stick to at first. Therefore, once you've reached 21 consecutive days of saying something loving to yourself, challenge yourself to keep it up for three months to integrate the habit more seamlessly into your life.
After three months, challenge yourself to add more than one loving thing you tell yourself every day. The more you practice, the less brain effort it will take, and over time, talking to yourself like the queen you are will become just part of life.
The 1:1 Rule That Re-Trains The Negativity
As I shared in another article, your brain has a Google-like function. Just like you type a word or a sentence on Google and get relevant results, what you focus on in your brain – say, if you consistently talk negatively to yourself – your brain will generate more of that. In other words, even though negative thinking is a part of life for many of us, it doesn't have to stay this way if we start feeding something else to our brains.
Therefore, in addition to your daily habit, practice finding something nice about yourself for every negative thought you have, so you'll generate more loving feelings and a loving language for yourself in your brain over time.
Don't worry if you don't get it right every time or every day. Remember, this is not an opportunity to put yourself down. Just try again the next day.
It took Michelle some time to remember to do it. It was a hit or miss for quite a while. But because she kept practicing, accepting other people's negative talk toward her started becoming unacceptable.
She didn't tell them anything at first, but for extra self-love, she practiced telling herself something nice about herself when someone else said something negative about her. Gradually, she committed to no longer internalizing people's judgment. You can do it too by stopping to accept their interpretation of who you are and what you're worth.
Create Royal Reminders
The journey toward claiming your crown isn't always the simplest. Be loving toward yourself by creating a vision board or a poster of how you see yourself when you're nice to yourself when you feel like everything is going really great and you're winning. How does it feel to be this woman? How does this woman show up in her everyday life?
How does she speak to herself?
As you figure it out, spread reminders across your house, your purse, your office or your calendar. It could be little notes you leave yourself, it could be a photo of your daughter that needs an empowered role model, and it can be an actual crown you put on your head – whatever works for you.
Surround Yourself by Like-Minded Queens
For Michelle, her royal reminders came especially handy, as she was still surrounded by people who disempowered her. I call these people energy vampires and they need to GO!! She started looking at the people in her life, and see who's really there for her.
Do the same, and if you have energy vampires, negative people or just people who aren't 100% there for you, it's OK to examine whether it's best to let them go.
Michelle knew she wasn't ready to let go of some relationships, like her only sister, but she started minimizing interactions in some friendships that she realized weren't healthy.
At the same time, she looked for fellow queens – empowered and empowering women – she can surround herself with.
Everything is easier when you share your journey with others on the same path, or with a mentor who's been there and can create a shortcut.
Michelle found fellow queens in a private group of an online program she took (mine of course). You can find fellow queens in online forums and offline events, cheer each other up, keep each other accountable to your commitments to yourselves, and when needed, lovingly fix each other's crowns. Always best to have in-person friends that you can connect to and will lift you.
How to Start Talking to Yourself as the Queen You Are
It might take time to see the fruit of all this effort or to feel like you're not making up nice things about yourself, but actually believing your loving words. It took Michelle quite a while. But at the end of it, she found empowering friends, got a new job in her dream industry, finance, and started making some significant changes in her relationship with her husband, to make room for her needs too.
Most of all, she finally managed to like the woman she sees in the mirror.
Do what Michelle did – keep practicing.
Embracing the queen within you is worth the effort.